Delta Heart

George is my new friend.

He is homeless, and although originally from France, has lived in Texas for most of his life. He's been in Hawaii, however, for about a year now and has made the decision to live amongst the homeless with the bare minimum. Residing mostly upon a bench afront Waikiki beach--with a single sweater upon his lap, a shoe on his left foot and a single roller suitcase with the rest of his essentials--he gazes out at the ocean each day following his normal weekday 6-hour shift (from 12am-6am) as a Wal Mart security guard.

I met George about 2 weeks ago. It was the night of the event where God had called me to arrange a "feed the homeless" event in Waikiki. The week before, as I had mentioned in my previous blog, God had been convicting me about the validity of my faith. He was telling me that I had been living it without complete trust in him and that I was circling around it as means of avoiding failure...as a way to circumvent that He was always one-hundred percent successful in my life all the time, despite the toll that might've taken on me. He DID always deliver, and WAS always one-hundred percent successful. The problem was, I wasn't allowing myself to show that. I was more reliant on what I could arrange so that in the end, there was no room for tarnish...no room for failure on my behalf. I was afraid that if I left control in God's hands--into the hands of the almighty and unseen--I would look stupid if a good enough result hadn't sufficed. If at the end, the result was not what I had anticipated.

My spiritual strength derived from what I had accumulated in knowledge, NOT by what he was showing me through personal experience. Although I desired that experience and was praying avidly for the opportunities where his glory would shine through in my execution, I didn't really want them to come. I was safe where I was. I was secure in knowing that he loved me and others. I wasn't secure, however, in knowing how that was done and what it would look like should I lend a hand in aid.

By this conviction, I commenced an event where I'd gather a team and hit the streets of Waikiki to "feed the homeless". My plan was to get everyone to collect their old jackets they no longer used and to bring a couple dollar bills to buy burgers (to pass out as well) at McDonald's. We'd all meet up in front of Teddy's Bigger Burger (right across of the Honolulu Zoo parking lot), pray over the mission as a team, and then head to McDonald's. After that, we'd set out to deliver our meals-of-love to the homeless not only upon the strip, but within every single sidestreet in Waikiki...without any real intention about talking to them about God's love for them, but to just do "something nice" to show that God provided. What I wasn't stumped with, at the time though, was how these people would know this sort of provision came from other people's heart to show God's love if no one had attempted to tell them. That actually hadn't hit me until the night of the event.

Anyways, I created a facebook event and everything to advertise! I invited everyone and anyone who wanted to be apart of it. Unfortunately, team numbers didn't increase--or formulate, actually--as I had anticipated. No one person (not even one) made solid commitment to coming until the day before. I was really bummed, and on top of that, I scurried loosely a few hours prior to the meet-up time to call people to see if they wanted to make it out. Conveniently, most people had already made plans...work, parties, prior obligations...every single reason for not being able to come, I heard it all! I seriously wanted to jump-ship!

The reason why I didn't, though, was for three reasons. One, I did have 4 others who did pledge to come up until the few hours before. They were feeling the passion, were very supportive of this endeavor, and luckily, didn't have any plans like everyone else I had invited. Two, I had initiated this whole thing so by default, it was the responsible thing to do by keeping tight grip on the reigns. And three, my heart was still burning for the homeless...that particular fire had never gone out, despite the obstacles over the duration of the week, and I knew that in showing love, God was calling me to be obedient to him. Not because he was calling me specifically to arrange this event, but because I knew that he calls all of us to do this kind of thing anyway.

It should be natural for us to give to those who don't have what we have. Upon struggling to fulfill their own "needs" for life, they don't have the same options we do to choose between having both "needs" AND "wants". Have you ever thought about that? Myself, a college student struggling in school in addition to part-time employment and loyalty to church tithing, I never have to worry about what I'm going to eat my next meal. I'm never down-to-the-wire where I have to sit along a sidewalk to panhandle...even if it is just for a couple extra coins, to save for my next meal (whenever that decides to come). I always have food, nonetheless, lined up in my day. I'm never hungry, and when I am, it only takes a quick pit-stop at Bale' to satisfy it. Physical hunger and struggle, to me, are words we can never comprehend in our state. I don't even know what it means to be truly hungry. Part of me, however, really wants to find out.

What we have to realize is that none of what we have is ours...it's all God's. He's sovereign and free, and whether or not I decide to help, he's already working. Already pursuing those he calls to be his children and desire to work through him. Like I mentioned in my previous blog, if we can come into this world without a thing but a heart for worship, we can leave this world just the same. That's what was weighing most heavily on me. My identity in Christ was slowly allowing me to want to give away my excess, fully desiring gladness and a simple smile from those who can't necessarily give me anything back.

So after the hussle at my Grandma's house in Kaneohe of calling people to come, I locked in my 5-person team, and headed for the bus. The ride lasted an enjoyable hour straight from Kaneohe to town, then to Waikiki, so before meeting everyone when I got there, I was able to pray over what was to come in the night. I prayed forgiveness to God for worrying about the outcome...for not trusting that his will was greater than what I was capable of controlling myself. I also prayed that whoever did follow-through with meeting me, big or small, God's will be done...whatever that meant. That he would use us in our strength, peace and aspiration to see his hands blessing the streets of Waikiki.

I finally arrived about 30 minutes late and a block too far away from Teddy's Bigger Burger. When I got there, though, no one was in sight. I called Rikki (who comes to my church), who had committed to coming when she had returned my call on the bus ride over, and she was in Starbuck's reading her bible. She had come straight from work, and a little while later came to meet me as we waited for everyone else to show up. It was a nice small chat, just before May and JR came. We talked about what our intentions were with this whole "feed the homeless" event and what we wanted to carry out for God that night. Rikki was totally in the zone! Her heart was like mines, as far as wanting to intercede for the homeless, but what differed was that she wanted to go out to share. That's when I realized that my heart hadn't been entirely into this thing as much as I thought. I wanted to do a nice gesture but I hadn't factored in the part where God also calls us to make his gospel known. I hate to admit that my heart hadn't been set on sharing, and that I wasn't really aspiring to it, but that's what it was. But, because of the great, totally God-given things that did come from that night, I'm grown and am fully set on modifying the purposes of what I'd do should this happen again (which I pray, it does). It's not enough to be excited and convicted, nor is it enough to just talk about what God is doing...but we have to take action. We have to plant the seeds where they haven't been and in that, give others the hope we run on to live more vicariously for the bigger picture--to see God's will, with love, moving not only in the lives of the homeless, but for all who don't know him. It's up to us, his messengers full of his spirit, to get to it.

About 15 minutes later, May and JR showed up. They had caught the bus from school, since they both dorm, and had a little trouble finding my meet-up spot...they're both from Maui and are in Campus Crusade for Christ with me at school. I've gotten to know them more this year since I've become more involved and was so stoked that they could come. They're both leaders with CCC: May co-leads with Sara for the women's freshmen KCru bible study, and JR co-leads with Chris for the men's. They're in a relationship together and were totally happy to be apart of it. May especially, because she hadn't been out to feeding the homeless before and was totally excited! Not too long later, Sue Lynn arrived (my super good friend from high school days, the one who was first to commit the day before)...it took her awhile because she wasn't able to find parking close-by, so she ended up parking more near the Shell. When we were finally all together, I asked if we could pray before we went out. Rikki began and I closed...we prayed thanksgiving that God had been faithful, as he always was, to put this whole thing into play and that we were so grateful he chose us to use in serving him that night. We prayed that no matter how big or small our team was, we trusted that he was already pursuing these people...that he loved them just as much as he loved us and desired for their happiness--and ultimately, for their refuge to be in him.

When we got to McDonald's we walked up to the front to wait in line. We ended up buying around 30 burgers altogether, and when we received them, split them up amongst the five of us. Then, we left to look for people to give them to. We crossed the street to the beachside, figuring that most of the homeless would be crashing that side for the night. Rikki suggested we head towards the areas where all the tables and benches were...most nights, a mix of homeless people gather there to talk-story and play chess. So we headed in that direction.

I passed out about 3 burgers I think. Sue Lynn and I semi-partnered up and we got to giving several homeless people our burgers...they were very thankful and full of appreciation for them. Something in me though, wasn't satisfied by what I was doing. I know it's not about my own well-being, but there was some part of me that wanted more from all this. Shortly after, I told Sue Lynn that I needed to go off by myself...so I took my burgers and headed in the opposite direction. Where I was, I saw a homeless couple talking story...I asked them if they'd like some burgers, and they happily accepted. I told them "God bless you", and left. Then, I walked towards the beach to see if the ones crashing on the sand were hungry...a lot of them were sleeping, so I decided to head back onto the sidewalk. Side note, if I ever go homeless, I'm definitely making Waikiki home. That sand is so unbelievable soft, why wouldn't anyone wanna be homeless in Hawaii?! Haha! Anyways, after a few minutes of searching, I noticed this older man sitting on a bench, not too far from where our team had started at (near the tables). He was just sitting there, gazing out towards the beach and I was kind of hesitant to approach him. At first, I passed him by, thinking he was sleeping or if he was awake, might react rashly towards me. When I came back though, I felt a tug to approach him. So, slowly, I pulled a burger out of my bag and walked up to him.

I gave him a big smile and I asked him "Sir, would you like a cheeseburger?" Unexpectedly, he smiled back, tilted his head forward so he could see above his glasses, and responded "You are a very kind person. And you have a beautiful smile." I thanked him and handed him the burger. He then asked me why I was doing this, passing out food to the homeless. I told him that God wanted me to do it...the God said I should share his love more readily instead of harnessing it all for myself--after all, he wants us to love Him AND others, not only in speech, but in action too. Then it came. "You believe in God?"..."Yes, I do."..."Tell me about your God".

Bam! The moment I'd been waiting for! The moment, at the time, I didn't realize I had been anticipating. Although my thing was to do a nice thing for these people, I didn't realize how much more I desire to share with them the love of my almighty God. The opportunity I had been praying for--of the many I know he has for me to unfold--had come!

There was so much that we talked about during the first hour that I had to talk with him. Before Rikki had come to join in our conversation (which, in total, extended for a whopping 3 hours), I had learned all about his life prior to this night. That his name was George and though he was born in France, he's lived in Texas for most of his life but decided to come to Hawaii to live in homelessness. He made this choice to live this way because he realized that, in addition to losing much of his things back in Texas, he wanted to live a simple life. That there is more to life, much more to life, than what he had grown to be believe. Past the material destination he deduced most humans were headed towards...he found himself not wanting to be faced with such a dead end. He wanted to entrust in something much bigger than that. Bigger than the tangible.

It's been a year now that he's been living out here. Though he works a 6-hour job throughout the week as a security guard at Wal Mart, he has no stable place to rest his head at night. He carries with him a single black suitcase with his work uniform and basics, and after work, heads out to sit on the same bench. He told me that in looking out at the landscape, he knows that something greater than evolution had put it all together. When he looks out at the stars, he knows that the reason why they're not crashing into each other is because of "something out there" that has put them into creation...something or someone smarter that has designated each star a specific role over their lifetime--just as how each of us were given specific roles in our lives. From there, I had gone on to share with him God's presence in my life and why I believe having a relationship with him means so much more to me than it used to.

Being a new believer myself, I was able to relate with him in the miscommunications of God-jargon. He had told me that having been approached by Catholic missionaries in the past, he was continually "turned off" by the bible because no one had ever made effort to teach him. He had always desired to understand and comprehend the meaning behind the parables, but he never had anyone to really study with him and teach him what was below the surface--what messages God was really trying to get across to us. When he told me this, it reminded me about this one story in Acts 8:25-35 that had triggered my memory...I proceeded to tell him about it, and he could completely relate!

Now an angel of the Lord said to Philip, "Go south to the road—the desert road—that goes down from Jerusalem to Gaza." So he started out, and on his way he met an Ethiopian eunuch, an important official

in charge of all the treasury of Candace, queen of the Ethiopians.

This man had gone to Jerusalem to worship, and on his way home was sitting in his chariot

reading the book of Isaiah the prophet.

The Spirit told Philip, "Go to that chariot and stay near it."

Then Philip ran up to the chariot and heard the man reading Isaiah the prophet.

"Do you understand what you are reading?" Philip asked.

"How can I," he said, "unless someone explains it to me?"

So he invited Philip to come up and sit with him.

The eunuch was reading this passage of Scripture: "He was led like a sheep to the slaughter, and as a lamb before the shearer is silent, so he did not open his mouth. In his humiliation he was deprived of justice. Who can speak of his descendants? For his life was taken from the earth."

The eunuch asked Philip, "Tell me, please, who is the prophet talking about, himself or someone else?"

Then Philip began with that very passage of Scripture and told him the good news about Jesus.

After I told him the story, I was able to share with him my same frustrations that I had had about that same thing. Godly people in today's day are so grown in their faith that they allow their awareness and relatability to the common people to dwindle. When they attempt to share the good news, they use all these terminologies and phrases to explain their strength in the Lord without translating what those terms and phrases mean. Phrases like "dying to yourself", "invest in them", "ask God", "God told me this...", and "move in the Spirit" for example, can be really confusing and frustrating when first introduced to God. It shows a person more ignorance, rather than love, if the time isn't taken to explain to them what they mean and how they can be achieved in commitment to this holy faith. Also, if the person sharing doesn't make the effort to really get to know the person and where they've come from (but they just choose to talk at the person rather than to the person, like they had practiced in some standardized fashion), they really aren't doing what God has called us to do. They're merely being obedient to man and what they feel is right in their way to win souls for God. They don't consider at all God's personal strengths within themselves or others, but rather focus on how they could do the rescuing.

I think that because George and I could relate in this way, he was more at ease confiding in me and Rikki. By this time, she had come by and so I introduced them and she settled in on where our conversation had left off. George had then gotten to telling us about the relationships he'd been in when he was living in Texas. He told us that he was talking to his friend Chino (a pilot) one day and decided to get his mind churning. He asked him "Chino, does a pilot not first read the manual in learning how to fly before he starts the engine? Does he not just get into the plane and hope that he will be safe upon flight and landing? He doesn't!" This personal understanding of George's desire to know the bible was revealed to me by real-life analogy. He explained that though he wanted to know the bible--because he knew that somewhere in there was a set of rules telling him how to live--he couldn't understand what it was trying to say. "It's like Chinese, Skyy!" He further explained that what puzzled him a lot was that there was no definitive list of what it meant to live righteously. Though, by my understanding, he full-well knew what that meant (after hearing about his relationship with his lady friend, Bobbi...which I'll get to in a bit) but just couldn't decipher it from the bible. "I need my own personal translator to roll around in my suitcase. When I read the bible, and I don't understand something, I want to just be able to go 'hello, what does this mean, can you tell me?'"

Then Rikki and I explained to him that for us, the reasons for living righteously came naturally (in understanding) after first believing what God had done for us. All of what was inside of the bible--the history before and after the coming/workings of Jesus Christ and the lessons taught by him--was a sort of supplement. The "head stuff", I guess you could say, that allows us to maintain our relationship with God and really familiarize with his divine word. First though, we needed to believe and profess that he sent Jesus Christ to save man from their own destruction. That as the perfect sacrifice, Jesus was God upon the earth and during his lifetime here, had made his truths known to those he came in contact with. He invested his care and vision and truth into the small group of 12 disciples more concentrated because he wanted them to do just the same when he left them. His plan, by the father in heaven, was to have these trained men knowledgable of his word be sent out among the nations and speak of his great love.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son

and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.

And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." - Matthew 28:19-20

"Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life!

Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

through whom we have now received reconciliation." -- Romans 5:9-11

In much understanding, George moved to talk about his worth as a human and the relationship with God that we claimed to hold very dear. He shared with us his uncertainty of why he should feel worthy to pray to such a big god. "Why should I talk to him, Skyy and Rikki? I think he might be busy helping someone else than wanting to listen to little George." We told him that apart from his supremacy, because he is the God that created the stars he looked out at every night, he's also a close and personally intimate God that desires to have relationship with us. He wants us to come to him when we're in need. He wants us to thank him for the blessings he rains upon us. Like an earthly father that cares dearly for his children, he wants us to always be in need of him, always love him, and ultimately, realize how much we need him when we go astray. In addition with solid relationship with him, he then simply calls us to have relationship with others in love, compassion, thoughtfulness and concern.

This reminded him of a friendship he once held with a woman back when he was living in Texas. Her name was Bobbi, who is still in Texas to this day, and she and George held a special long-lasting friendship until he decided to move to Hawaii. He told us that in the beginning, she had been suspicious of his intentions to be friends with her. Because he was a man from France, she didn't believe he was genuine. He would constantly offer his services to her when she needed help in her life, but denied him often because she didn't want to trust that he cared for her without wanting to pursue her further. He was tired of it, he exclaimed. One day, while they were having coffee together at a local coffee shop, he asked her,

"Bobbi, would you have sex with me?"

She said "Wha! What kind of question is that George?!"

"Calm down, I asked if you WOULD have sex with me, not WILL you have sex with me."

A little more settled, she responded "No, I wouldn't."

"Okay...Bobbi, would you marry me?"

"What, what are you trying to say?!"

"Hey, I asked WOULD you marry me, not WILL you marry me."

"Well, I can't right now...but you are a very nice man, you make me laugh and you embarass me. So I would, but under the circumstances, I cannot. You are my friend"

"Well, there you go. We are friends, my dear. We won't have sex, we won't get married, we are friends. I want to help you. You don't owe me anything or have to pay me back, I want to help you when you need it, because I am your friend."

Listening to this, I realized that George had understood the fundamentals of genuine relationship (with humans and with God) more than anyone else I had ever known. He totally removed himself, by his own nature, from the "strings-attached" attitude most people clung to with others, and totally desired to take care and serve Bobbi with all of his heart--minus the expectation of receiving benefit in return. We told him we admired him for the way he embraced the people in his life he cared about and that we pray that we would come to "surrender ourselves to God" so we would be better able to do this.

Here's an article that George told us he'd wrote awhile ago. He was doing just the same thing he was doing one night, just as he was before we approached him (sitting on his bench, looking out), and was thinking about God's existence over the earth. He began to jot down his thoughts and compiled it all into a full piece that he was able to get published online. I read it as soon as I got home and found it to be very insightful. At least for someone who hasn't fully come to believe and profess with their mouth that Jesus saved us all, it exercised a lot of interesting observations and spiritual conclusions that many people don't think (or aren't pulled to) of arriving at. Give it a quick read, when you have time...George says he loves feedback, and really wants to hear what you have to say about it :) The URL is: www.selfgrowth.com/articles/There_Is_Someone_Out_There.html

Some 3 hours later, Rikki, George and I ended our amazingly revolutionary conversation. It was 9:00pm, just the time I called this event to end (Sue Lynn sitting nearby, and May and JR having left a few hours earlier to head back to their dorms), and we had to pick up our things and head back home to Kaneohe (I was sleeping over my Grandma's 'til the next day). Thanking George for being so open to speaking to us, we were able to ask him if we could pray for him before we left. He delightedly accepted, and we all bowed our heads in full surrender to God. Afterwards, Rikki and I offered to meet up with him every Saturday so we could teach him the bible. We, at least for one day of the week, would be his "suitcase translators". With a big grin, he agreed and we three exchanged phone numbers.

The following Saturday, a huge rain storm hit the island and I was kept from meeting with George for our first bible study. Rikki was held back as well since she had a long work shift at Buzz's and didn't get off 'til 5:30pm. I called him that day and left a message on his voicemail, apologizing that neither of us would be able to come out to meet him. I did instead offer plans to meet solidly the next Saturday (this past Saturday, 11/29) and if he'd like to have a pre-Thanksgiving day dinner on Wednesday night. I really wanted my two good friends, Sara and Chris, to meet him so I thought it would be really nice that we could all share in one of the most special meals of the year together. Especially with George who had no familial or friendly relationships with anyone since he'd been living here in Hawaii.

When Wednesday came, however, George called me an hour just before we were supposed to pick him up in Waikiki. His boss had pleaded with him to work some extra hours since the next couple of days were the busiest shopping days (at Wal Mart especially) of the year, and they really needed to hike-up security. He agreed and told me "Skyy, I'm really sorry, because I am one of the few who don't have anyone to celebrate the holidays with, I agreed to work. My heart is breaking that I cannot have dinner with you and your friends tonight". I assured him that it was okay, and I hoped he enjoyed his time at work with his co-workers the next couple of days. I told him though, that I was just a little bummed because I at least wanted to give him this study bible I thought he'd really like. I explained to him that it gave commentary on most verses of each book of the bible, so at least if Rikki and I weren't there to translate for him, he would be able to comprehend in the commentary that was given. I also wanted to give him a journal and pen where he could notate his personal thoughts and feelings. I told him that it was okay, a last time, and said I'd call him on Friday so we could arrange for our study on Saturday...he said that I should leave a voicemail so at least he knew that I had called, even if he wouldn't be able to take the call right away.

After we hung up, I relayed the news to Sara and Chris (not far from me, since we were all cruising in Sara's dorm) and they understood. We decided then to just have dinner together at a small Ramen shop in Kaimuki, head to One Love for "E Pule Kakou" (a statewide prayer movement over Hawaii), and then go to prayer-walk in Waikiki. We did just that :)

E Pule Kakou was so awesome!! Not only did I get to visit the amazing church that Sara and Chris attended weekly, but I got to experience intensive prayer amongst a group of people who were as passionate as we were to seek God's presence across Hawaii. Though we arrived a little late, when we did get there, we were able to get into the small clusters of prayer groups. My group had about 7-8 others. I was so impacted by the voices that arose from it during prayer and the kinds of hearts that God had thrilled in each of them. One woman prayed for the victims in India...at the time, I had been out all day and wasn't aware of the crisis that had happened there. I was totally in shock and completely horrified at the heartache and damage one group of people can do in empassioned anger. Another woman prayed for the purity of women and girls all across the islands. Just in her voice alone, you could tell that her heart was big and totally out there for girls to keep themselves pure and in pursuit of God's holy face. It was all an incredible experience.

Afterwards, Sara, Chris and I headed out to Waikiki to prayer walk. We first began along the strip, but decided a little while later to pray over the sidestreets too. Throughout the night, we talked about the sin that hung about these streets. How although high-class vendors and extravagant hotels lined side-by-side along Kuhio Avenue and upon the beach, the presence of homelessness and promiscuity hung about just as strongly. We prayed for not only what we could see, but what we couldn't...the expression of sinful man behind closed doors. As we walked, we often passed by collections of magazines and ads for all kinds of entertainment that Waikiki offered...we'd take handfuls of the real promiscuous ones and dump them all in a trashcan nearby (how convenient, haha). At the end of the night, as we headed back to the car, we three noticed a homeless man lingering on the sidewalk just opposite to where we were. Chris decided that he'd give him his slippers, so as we waited under a palm tree, he crossed the street and approached him. The man, however, responded very fearful to Chris. As he described to us afterwards, he had a kind and appreciative voice, but was afraid for when he would get any closer. Chris didn't end up giving away his slippers that night, but afterwards, we prayed over the man and moved on. It made all of us so sad that there were people out there living like this...that though they were in need, they allowed themselves to cling to what they didn't have, and continue to live in fear.

On Saturday, George and I arranged to meet up for our first bible study. I had called him the night before, just before 7:00pm service started at church, to finalize our meeting. As expected (knowing that he'd be working), I was directed straight to his voicemail. Saturday came, then, and so as planned, I caught the bus to Waikiki to meet up. I ended up getting there around 12:30pm. When I arrived, I found a bench along the beach and called him to let him know I was there. I was still being immediately averted to his voicemail, like the night before, and so I called him a second time to let him know that I'd be hanging around until 4:00pm if and when he decided to return my call so we could have our study. A half-hour went by and I got hungry...so I crossed the street to Burger King and bought me a burger and a small water. Heading out back to my bench, it started to drizzle (one 10-minute interval of many that day) so I packed up my meal and went back to Burger King to eat. Not long after, I tried called George again. Still no answer, I walked towards the beach and found a nice seat along the wall in front of the big banyon tree. As I people-watched for awhile, I pulled out my journal and decided to write about my day.

Every so often, I'd stop and look up at the people around me. To my right a few feet away sat a hoale lady sitting and watching at the passerbys, just as I was. She looked like she had just gotten out of the water not too long before because her hair was wet and her slippers were dripping a pile of ocean right beneath her. Ahead of me, a car full of college-aged toursists drove their Element onto the sidewalk. They unloaded their surfboards from the rack, talked a bit about the surf, and then walked towards the beach. One of them got back in the car and drove off of the sidewalk in search of parking.

Then, not too far away, I saw a homeless man. He was about 5'6", dark-skinned, and had a head full of dreads. He was sitting mostly, but every so often, would get up and walk around. As he walked, he'd roll his head side to side and back and forth, tossing his dreads all around. I concluded that he wasn't all there...the pains and struggles of his past, in addition to rejection from the world, he was robbed of his own means to think straight. As I looked back to my journal to continue writing, he approached me. He asked me a muffled, "Time?" and a little startled, I just stared back without response. Then he walked away. After realizing what he was asking me, I followed his image. He came back shortly after and sat in the same spot he had been a few minutes ago. Before I rose, I said a prayer of preparation, and got up. I went up to him and asked him, "Sir, would you like a cheeseburger?" Gladly, he said "Yes" and walked with me over to McDonald's.

Along the way, I asked him if he was from here. He said his family was from the Big Island but he had come back to live here where he was born. He didn't really talk much, unless I asked him a question, but I figured that for however long that he'd been hanging around Waikiki, he didn't have much interaction with another person for most of it. I inferred from the length and thickness of his fingernails (with the dirt that had accumulated under them) and the soil of his clothes, he had been "hanging around" for a real long time. One of the things he did comment on though, was his favorite college football teams. He asked me if I liked football, and I smiled with a "Yeah". I asked him if he watched any games (stupidly), but he nicely responded that he had read up in the newspapers all about them. He liked Boise State, Texas Tech, and USC from what I can remember.

Finally, we arrived at McDonald's. As we walked in towards the counter, all eyes turned to us. Red-faced families, who had obviously spent a great deal of their time galavanting on the beach, stared us down as we passed. Then it hit me, I never realized how other people would react to a homeless man and a girl who wasn't homeless (clearly) would look like walking with each other side-by-side. As I think about it, what an odd image--apparently in today's society--did it look like to have us strolling down the aisle together. I wish the world wasn't so ignorant of this sort of existence.

When we approached the counter, I asked him what he wanted. He pointed to the sign and said "taro pie". I asked him if he wanted a burger, and he said "yes please". So I went up to the cashier and gave my order. She paid no attention to my voice, mind her, because her gaze (along with the rest of the McDonald's staff) was set completely on my homeless friend. Nonetheless, she reiterated my order "big'n tasty, taro pie, small coke", and I paid her. Then we moved off to the side to wait. I asked him his name and he told me it was "John". His order was ready real quick, so he picked it up along with his drink (and all the stares) and walked with me outside. Just outside the exit, he thanked me and stood there awhile, as if he was going to go off and have his meal on his own. I was bummed because I still wanted to talk to him. This time, I had great intentions in my heart to share with him (and anyone really) God's gospel of love. We both started for the intersection to cross back to the other side of the street, when he told me about the other football teams he liked. Then I asked him if it was okay if I sat with him while he ate. He agreed and so we found a table to chat.

It started off small at first, since I wanted him to just dive into his meal. Can you imagine how long these people go for without having a square meal? The burger, taro pie and coca-cola barely counts as a square meal for me, but do you realize that that amount I was able to buy him that day was probably the most he'd eaten in weeks...months even? He quickly downed his taro pie first, took a couple sips of his coke and started off on his burger when I asked him,

"So, John, does your family go to church?"

"My name is Abraham,...my name is Paul,...my name is Simon Peter,...my name is David."

"Ohhhh, those are great men of the bible." Then I smiled and asked him, "Do you know Jesus?"

He paused a little while in thought, then he started reciting me his knowledge: everything he had known about the history of these names. He told me that we were all descendants of Abraham and that God was providing us his promise to him everyday. That when lucifer returns, Jesus will return and victory will be God's. When he told me these things, amongst a ton of others, they didn't really make sense. For one thing, they all came out as fact after fact, without really trying to have conversation with me. He didn't tell it to me as a way so I could respond. Another thing, the facts spilled out as they came to him and much of it were about what he believed to have existed back then. Though a lot of it was truth, many things were very detail oriented about specific individuals in history I hadn't really heard of before. Because of my limited knowledge, I wasn't able to discern if I was being told truth or not. One of those things had been about Solomon's sons--I can't really remember exactly what he said about them, but I remember that I was intrigued by it because I hadn't read about it before and so I couldn't deduce if it was accurate. He proceeded also to tell me about the Greek gods he believed to have dominion just below God. Then I interpreted, he knew a lot about spirituality, not necessarily about God and his character, and what we, as his children, were designed for...to love Him. I prayed to myself right there that I was thankful for this time with John-Abraham-SimonPeter-Paul, whoever he was, and that we were able to share in each others' company. I recognized that what people desire most is the gift of human touch and in knowing that there are people out there who care enough to listen to them, whether or not any of it makes logical sense. In every single walk of life, people--in their very lowest--desire mutual care and a heart and ear to speak into. My new friend, JASPer (I'll call him), had shown me how to love, how to graciously accept blessings and how to really listen to those who often go unheard.

When he was done, I asked him if he had to be on his way. He said yes and threw away his trash, took with him the remnants of his burger, thanked me again, and left.

Not long after that, I walked over to the Hyatt right across the street to find a seat in the lobby. Since I still hadn't heard back from George yet, I decided to take some time to reflect and finish up on my journaling. I had broken off on my entry less than half-way when I decided to approach JASPer and so I wanted to find a comfortable spot where I could finish and then write about how my experience having a meal with him went. Anyways, I found a spot on a nice bamboo chair and made myself comfortable. After writing a bit, I got cold (by the gusts of wind and rain filtering through the lobby) and fidgety so I closed my journal and left that entry yet unfinished. I noticed that the woman who had been sitting nearby had left her umbrella, and looking around to see if she'd return, I got up and took it. It was a nice umbrella...small, black, sleek...I figured that someone else out on the beach could use it more than she could.

Walking out, I opened my umbrella and looked around. That's when I noticed a man standing across the street on the sidewalk. Amongst the passing of tourists and their camera flashes, I saw that he was just kind of lingering there. He looked familiar as I stared out. Then I realized, he was the same homeless man that Chris had offered up his slippers to the Wednesday before (the night that he, Sara and I went prayer walking in Waikiki after "E Pule Kakou" at One Love church). He was long, kind of scraggly and worn, wearing a brown aloha shirt and brown dress slacks...the same thing he'd been wearing the few nights before when we first saw him. I decided to give him my extra umbrella. As I crossed the street and walked up, I flashbacked to the reaction he had given to Chris when he had tried to give him his slippers. He had reacted fearfully, often backing up whenever he got close, but in his voice (as Chris described) was much peace and appreciation. From that night, I had still wondered if he'd been more accepting had a woman approached him. This was my opportunity to find out. In the drizzle of rain, I slowly approached him and caught his gaze. I took the umbrella out of my bag and asked if he'd like it. This time, he didn't react in fear at all.

With kind eyes, he mouthed a soft and very meek "No thank you, thank you very much".

I asked if he was sure, and he said "Yes, thank you".

Then, hoping he'd receive anything else I had to offer, I asked if he was hungry. Again, he denied saying "I ate a little while ago, thank you very much." Then, he bowed his head and thanked me. I smiled back, turned, and walked away.

How humbling is all of this?! Although I never had my bible study with George that day, God had presented me many lessons in the two meetings I did have with these other homeless men. He'd shown me that by his grace and sovereignty, he was in constant pursuit of all of these lives and was allowing me--a mere, faithful servant of his--to be in astonishment of it.

Like I had told my friend Bobbi before(from my church...not the Bobbi that George was friends with back in Texas, haha), when I was telling her what had happened, I feel like the homeless are my people. That although there is no real connection or relation of my life to them, and why I do have a heart that burns so passionately for their care, I feel as if God has appointed me to take care of them. Please pray that God shows me direction in how I can continue ministry here.

As I put this blog to a close (I know, I know...finally Skyy!!!), here are the lyrics to a song that Sara gave me. She called me the Friday-morning after Thanksgiving to tell me I should listen to it because it reminded her of my heart for the homeless and the passion I embraced for them, as well as my desire to see everyone set out in their call to obedience to the Lord. It's called "I Will Go", by Starfield...go ahead, Limewire it it's amazing! :)

To the desperate eyes and reaching hands

To the suffering and the lean

To the ones the world has cast aside

Where you want me I will be

[Chorus:] I will go, I will goI will go, Lord send me

To the world, To the lost To the poor and hungry

Take everything I am

I'm clay within your hands

I will go, I will go, send me

Let me not be blind with privilege

Give me eyes to see the pain

Let the blessing You've poured out on me

Not be spent on me in vain

Let this life be used for change

[Chorus]

I wanna live for you

Go where you lead me I wanna follow you[Repeat 3x]

[Chorus]

Send me! [4x]

insert amazing Jesus cliche' here :D

...oh, you can't?

Exactly!

Jesus is beyond explanation of everything good and beyond what our tiny human minds can even attempt to cultivate. There are no words to explain--finite to any language--how abundant our love for Christ should be just because simply, "he first loved us" (1 John 4:19).

"He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Song of God does not have life." -- 1 John 5:12

But before I get excited too early into this, and before I get into the deeper realms of what God's been speaking to me personally and where he's got me going, I wanna first take the time to let you guys in on where the heck I've been this past month-and-a-half ;) Haha! I know it's been quite awhile since I last blogged, and to be honest, there is no rosey reason of why I've refrained from doing so. I can make all kinds of surface excuses, but really, it comes down to one main point...-->

The reason why I've opted for leave of blog-absence, was because I've been going through a real rough and topsy-turvy cycle of faith questioning. Throughout the past 3 weeks, I've allowed myself to get in the way of God's voice. I semi-steered clear from the word (only really reading it out of resentment) and I lost footing in the intimate relationship he called me to be in with Him...becoming too controlled by my emotions. As much as I hate to admit, and though I was working in ministry, I became consumed by the worldly views of various aspects of my life and zoomed in on the influence I was having spiritually on the people around me. I let pride, not God, dominate the fruit I hoped to produce. I was obsessed with investing in relationships solely for being credited with leading people into the everlasting, and not letting Jesus captain the reigns. I only concentrated on my personal role in God's kingdom and seldom prayed for (or thought of even) how I could get involved with the blessed things he was already working in. I was doubting where he was using me, how he was using me, when he'd be using me...and in addition, became overwhelmed by the amazing opportunities he was handing me in plainsight. I let my faith be torn to shreds because I was afraid to put my entire trust in him,....and yet on the outside, you would've never been able to tell.

"Love can't cover wrongs if we let frustrations and failures keep us apart"

-- Under the Overpass, Mike Yankoski

Funny how that happens, huh? We can get so greedy, so obsessed, so selfish that as we claim to be in awe of God's might, we can find ourselves at a point to where we realize that we've taken complete advantage of it. In his perfectly crafted movie of life, we still find ways to rave over the smallest scenes of importance to us and let it consume our entire beings. We let it eat us inside out until there's nothing left and forget the bigger picture.

What God has humbled me with though, is that he's called me to remember Jesus. I'd say it over and over trying to convince myself that I was in constant bewilderment of the sacrifice he made to give us new life, but I didn't truly reckon with it. I would assure myself that "the more you say it, the more you repeat it in your mind over and over again, you'd believe it". I'd foster it in my head more than I was comfortable to in my heart. I was afraid to die to myself completely. I lost trust. And it really felt like I had waited long enough where I felt it in my heart that the convictions I had once proved content in, had expired. BUT, what I've come to realize today--and all along, actually--was that those convictions haven't expired at all! They're alive, and I have proof! Me in my feeble spirit, yet favorably valued as any of His children are, has vital position in His kingdom because of the son, Jesus Christ. In the weakness that we've been prone to since existence, he calls us to run to him. When we're sunken to our lowest, He is constantly paving the way for spiritual restoration! Always picking up the pieces, and gently putting us back together. He's always working to humble us so that we may realize how much we need Him and nothing else!...that if we can come into this world with nothing but a heart for worship, we can leave it just the same! :)

"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him though he is not far from each one of us. For in him we live and move and have our being.

As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring'." [the apostle, Paul] -- Acts 17:24-28

Neat huh? :) How each of us were mapped out layer by layer for the sole purpose of worshipping and serving the Lord. All because he wants us to share in his creation, to love one another and have dominion over the earth with each other. To populate worshippers and care for each other as if we were each other's own. Easier said than done, right? I mean honestly, I've folded this concept over and over in my mind but never really challenged it's true meaning. We discuss it often enough, us and our Christian buddies. We arrive at thee most profound convictions over cocoa and good company. Definitely good stuff for sure, and real sweet sources of joyous memories in fellowship...but where does this take us if all that we get from discussion is merely renewed certainty in the definition of our purpose? What does it do to properly define (by words) what it means to love, serve, worship, die to oneself, and devote? Well, to put it bluntly,...nothing! Sure it's good to settle with it first and foremost,...but man, let's just stop talking and start doing!

I talk too much! You talk too much! We talk too much!!! I love prayer, but if that's just all we're doing to confront the battles of this world and not lending a hand in it as God calls us to, we're being really idle in our walks. Let's get real guys, if our convictions are just sitting there, getting stale, we aren't fulfilling ourselves of God's best to seek him. Besides what comes out of our mouths as Christians, ask yourself, "does my life look any different than everyone elses'?".

If we're too afraid to get uncomfortable for God, we're not trusting Him as our refuge and ultimate deliverer. Let us pray for (not write off!) boldness, and run with it! Let us be obsessed! I want Christ on the brain and nothing else! To be honest with you, I kinda hate that I'm sitting here blogging right now. Think about it...if God decides to come upon the earth right this second and unfold his revelation, I'm definitely not gonna look like a very legit warrior sitting at my computer, blogging. I'm totally stoked to be here sharing in my passion with you, praying that you take your faith to new heights from all that God has been teaching me, but when He does return, I hope to be on my knees or out there showing Christ's love to the world!

Ho! You share in that same fervor or what?! :)

So...what does that even mean?!! Fine, we've tumbled over it...worship, serve, love...but what does that look like?! Well, first thing, forget that it's all about you...because it's not! It's about God, it's always been about God, and it's God that we ought to desire to please. NOT yourself or anyone. If you're genuine in your walk with Christ and really believe that he is the ultimate, the most high, and the one which we hope to be in union with up in heaven someday, you will understand that loving his people with joyful hearts is chief. As his sheep, we ought to care for those who don't care for us, love those who hate us, smile at those who scorn us...

"Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'" -- Matthew 25:34-40

Mean ah?! Thanks to the Bible, and these really really cool books I've read up on ('Crazy Love', by Francis Chan and 'Under the Overpass', by Mike Yankoski), I've really taken it to heart the underbelly of this scripture. It's pretty amazing! Makes me think a lot about the seriousness of my faith and what I've done to not just prove my passions, but really show why I believe so strongly in the love of my God. Have I been doing ample work in practicing what I preach?...really extending my hands in service to others, instead of always just "praying about it"? God's so big! Whether or not I decide to do something about it, his will's being done no matter what! But because I am his child, he calls me to be obedient to him and give what he's given me to provide for others. My finances are his, my books are his, my clothes are his...my excess is his and it's doing no good just sitting around me collecting dust. In the rubble of my sins, he chooses to use me to do his work. And though it's a natural and constant struggle in the life of any devoted follower of Christ, I willfully jump at any chance to do so.

"...his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night.

He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither.

Whatever he does prospers." -- Psalm 1:2-3

With this, here's what I come to...it's starting really small (and I hope to make it regular) but I really want to get out into the world and show people who Jesus is. No, I'm not gonna slam their heads over with a Bible--though I do hope to share with them the abundancy of grace in his provision--but I'd like to make it a point at least once or twice a month to feeding the homeless. I've done it once before with Roots, a few months back into the summer. A group of us (a little over 10) went out to Waikiki with our guitars, mandolins, video cameras and dollar bills to hit the streets. We prayed before heading out, then went to McDonalds and bought 5 burgers each. Totalling 50 burgers, we passed out every single one that night...all the while, with songs of the Lord spilling from our guts and into the air. It was an amazing experience! Along the way, we even made new friends :) With the rest of the panhandlers lined along the sidewalk, a group of 5 (about our age) stood together trying to make money by breakdancing...we handed each of them a burger and with much thanksgiving, got a dose of their talent. They were really really thankful for our kindness, and I just praised God that he was using us to make this small difference in these people's lives. That his presence and light in us was what made them gleam that night.

We also met a bunch of elderly homeless people too. After giving them burgers, we stayed awhile and chatted with them...asking them about their lives. Though we were the ones mostly being spoken to, God convicted and humbled me deeply. He showed me the value of relationships...the joy that one can be enveloped by by the simple demonstration of human nurturing, in the least. People desire compassion and benevolence, and little notions (if any) that they're cared for deeply by another. To know that there are people out there who are concerned for their best interests, even if it is just to relieve them from begging for a few coins to cover for their next meal. This is demonstrating true love for Jesus. In addition to profession and belief in the heart, we ought to love on one another just as this. We ought not hesitate to engage in acts as this. Not only should we love those who love us back, but also for those who probably don't care to love us because they know nothing else but to survive the next day.

"In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds

and praise your Father in heaven." -- Matthew 5:16

And that is what I hope to be a part of. This coming Saturday (check the facebook event), I want to do that same thing. In addition to burgers, I'm asking everyone to bring their old and unused jackets so we can pass those out as well. I want everyone to see that God's got an army working in this generation, not just in Hawaii, but about the globe, who have hearts on fire to serve Him!

Lord God, thank you for loving me! Thank you for rescuing me from the terrors of my iniquities and for making me weak so that I may loosen myself from the things I've attached myself to, and run for your comforting grasp! I love you and I desire my life would be oriented around eternity with you :) Please continue in the refining and polishing of the servanthood of your children...let us trust and live in obedience to you and not let the eagerness of self-righteousness overcome. Forgive us for when in the future our hearts may become hardened to your teaching and discipline. We want to constantly desire to love you as much as you love us, not only in profession but in demonstration too. May we never tire to make your voice clearer to our understanding...that your word would be engraved in our hearts and never tarnish. Thank you for growing us in faith, Lord God. For providing us strong vessels and using us to communicate your love to each other better and more each day. For improving our prayer life and for constantly showing us the that we are nothing without you! Help us to not put things of the world and people above you in our heads. That you would be center of our entire being and grow in us furthered devotion to the pursuit of seeing your kingdom upon us. We're tired of falling short, losing interest, sinning, not delivering when we most could...of not taking risks of faith and stepping up in the opportunities you've given us. May you be the only one we live for! Aid us the whole way, Lord God. We can't even love you on our own, nor can we try to keep ourselves near without being tempted so easily. Be all we think about, all we dream about, all we care about! Shield us with your shining glory from the enemy and his demonic accomplices! We're so susceptible for destruction, Lord God...but I pray that we would move only by the power of your Holy Spirit. That we would come before you and surrender, in our brokenness...and that you would use us in it to exalt yourself :) Lastly, Lord God, I pray that we would not settle for anything short of your best. Help us to aim high and see that radical Christianity IS the Christianity you call us to live.

Ho, God!

"...you're sooooo good!!! So forgiving, so loving, so merciful, so...almighty! How could I have lived 18 years of my life without knowing you? Without knowing the magnitude of your amazing truths?! Lord God, I pray that through this blog you would bless the reader. That you would scoop up their life from under them and make it yours. I pray that this person would desire to know you intimately and grow to a point in there relationship with you where they can call you Dad. That they would familiarize with the same comfort, dependability and security provided by the people in their lives who love them and want to live according to your calling...whatever that may be. I pray that through my personal experiences and convictions and revelations by you, they would want to seek your kingdom for themselves and find it in there hearts to give praise :) For that, in itself, is the purpose for which you created us. Lord God, change our hearts. Make us new and impart on us your right ways. Forgive me for not loving so easy as I should. For not being so quick to listen and slow to speak. Lord God, I'm such a dirty person. Everyday I'm blown away everytime I think about your love for me...and how you sacrificed your holy, perfect son to wipe away my sins. Holy smokes!!! I sin choooke, God! Why?! How would you be so forgiving of the things I've done?! God, all I think about is myself! All I think about a lot of the time is how I will be used by you. How I can serve others to bring myself blessing! So selfish! Lord God, I pray that...NO MORE! I want my sights set on you and only! Never, ever do want to be dependent on anyone else for your glory. God, you no me so well....inside and out...and you know how lame I can be. How often I compare myself to other people...to weigh how much of a good person I am, how much better of a Christian I am, how fired-up spiritually I am, and how loving I am...

"Then you, my people, will know that I am Lord, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the Lord have spoken, and I have done it, declares the Lord" --> Ezekiel 37:13-14

God, Paul Washer says to "compare yourself to scripture. Not to men who call themselves Christian who compares to men who call themselves Christian." That's something that's stuck with me since I've heard it...and I don't want to be guilty of it anymore! Comparing myself to SCRIPTURE...that's just what I want to do here on out. I want to be that sinful woman in the Bible who worshipped and wept and Jesus' feet and poured perfume all over him! I want to just be in complete awe of you! And not care about what anyone else thinks! I want to be a fool for you, Lord God.

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humbel and gently; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the SPirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one SPirit--just as you were called to one hope when you were called--one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." --> Ephesians 4:1-6

To weep openly, give cheerfully, love easily, and serve willingly! Please, please help me do that. I don't want to be a faker anymore. I want to stand strong for you, and steadfast. Lord God, you are holy holy holy! Beyond words! Have mercy on me...help me see clearly. I love you and I want to see your face! In Jesus' name, Amen!"

24-7 launch!

As you may know from constant promotion for the past week, 24-7 Prayer launches tomorrow September 15th at 9:00pm ('til September 22nd) at the Baptist Ministry dorms prayer room. It is a student led, week-long streak of intensive prayer that a few of us students are praying will revolutionize the patterns of love and unity for Jesus Christ throughout the islands. We believe God has called it upon us to initiate this rally because of the need for greater intimacy with him and seeking of his kingdom.

If you are interested in signing up to attend for an hour (or more) of prayer in the prayer room during this week, please let me know...provide your full name, number, email, and the times/dates you (or a group of people) would like to cover for in prayer. No worries about not being able to fit it in your schedule, because we are going to be there LITERALLY for the entire 24 hours/7 days straight. You don't have to let me know to sign-up in advance in order to commit. We've constructed a big poster of the sign-up sheets for the entire week that'll be up so you are more than welcome to come in anyday at any time to sign-up when you can...The prayer room has been beautified with a spectrum of interactive prayer-inspirations all across the walls so that when you enter, you may be led to pray for specific things...things like prayer requests, world issues from local magazine articles, world and nation maps, campus controversy, and thanksgiving. Don't feel as if we're limiting you, for we know well that in all things the Holy Spirit shall be your driving force :) If you can't make it to the actual prayer room at all during 24-7, please just keep praying on what God's doing on college campuses and in the world.

Please let me know, in addition to all this, if you have any questions.

But man, I also gotta tell you guys how awesome it's been preparing for 24-7 Prayer and how much God's taught me in the process. You see, as college students sometimes we become really preoccupied at the advancement of our own lives. We become worried about how we're going to pass all of our classes to get the credits we need, we become stressed on the indecisiveness of our career choices, we ponder and almost idolize the issue of our future relationships, and all the while, struggle to keep a strong sense of personal and spiritual identity in the face of peers who oppose us. Am I right, or am I right?! Well, here's what God's taught me....it's not all about you! I am certainly one to vie for that one! I've totally let myself become blinded all this time by the fragility of my well-being! "Am I solid in MY personal foundation with God? Have I prayed for healing and strength to get ME through today? Do I need to be foretold anything about MY future so that I may be PERSONALLY CONTENT and live peacefully?" What happened to "Who can I pray for? What can I pray for? How can I ask God to use me in service to resolve the things about my surroundings?" How in the world did we become so selfish?! Don't get me wrong, personal intimacy with God is definitely important before seeking out greater needs,...but have we forgotten at all about everyone else? Acts 4:32 says, "All the believers were on in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had." Believers should care about each other in this such way! It was our ultimate purpose, after all to love God, and love others just the same. But the phrase, seemingly, has become cliche'd! We say it over and over and over and over again, totally distorting it's meaning and passing it over as if "no problem! that one's easy!"...but really think about those words. Do you love that lady waiting to cut in front of you at the bus stop just as much as you love your mom, or brother, or sister, or dad? Can you honestly, truly say that your heart breaks for that hobo digging out of the garbage can swearing under his breath as if his pain is yours? God's does. His heart breaks when we're hurting! And he wants us to mimic that same hurt for others as we feel for the people in 'our circle'.

Dear God, create in me your purpose. Create in me a genuine heart that is selfless and kind and loving and conformed to the image of Jesus Christ. May I always ALWAYS desire to be like Jesus Christ! Help me to forgive and never regret, Lord God, that my life may not be lived out in bitterness and worry, but in tenderness and care. God, I pray that you would stir in the hearts of college students across the globe! May they be torn from boundaries and be strengthened to step out into the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. Help them to reconnect with your unique ways, and run the race! And lastly, God, thank you for Sara and Chris. For partnering me with them in sharing the vision for 24-7 Prayer. Lord God, I can't even express how thankful I am for them! I don't know if they even realize, but they can certainly count on making a difference in at least one person's life...and that is mine. I'm fired up, Lord God! We feed off of each other spiritually like frigging pirahnas! Trading sermon podcasts, sharing scripture, suggesting books to read, refering youtube links of revolutionary spiritual leaders...the feasting never ends! God, and I never want it to! I praise you so much for blessing me with friends like these! How can I ever show you the extent to my thanskgiving?! Words are too limiting to explain how much you've worked in them to increase my faith! God I pray that this fire stays burning in all of us! Help us to build each other up in faith as well as work to massage the hearts of others. We love you so much! In Jesus' name, Amen!

youtube these guys :)

God calls us to not only seek his truth by his written word in the Bible but by the wisdom of our spiritual leaders--those who have been given a high calling to preach of his word to the world :)



-Pastor Francis Chan, Cornerstone Church



-Pastor Paul Washer



-Pastor Mark Driscoll, Mars Hill Church



- Pastor John Piper

" He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it...Remind the people to be subject to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready to do whatever is good, to slander no one, to be peaceable and considerate, and to show true humility toward all men." --> Titus 1:9, 3:1-2

Why me?

The past two weeks, God has revealed me wonderous things. Things I can't comprehend, things I can't explain and things I can barely take in...but after much prayer and assurance by the God-given wisdom of great pastors nation-wide, I've come to the conclusion that God is mighty. The God who gracefully and mercifully fathers me, gives me--an undeserving, unworthy, dirty human being--comfort, peace and that unconditional love we ought not to ever find on this Earth if not for his son Jesus Christ. Why me? Why any of us?!

"Then he said, 'Here I am, I have come to do your will,' He sets aside the first to establish the second. And by that will, we have been made holy through the sacrifice of the body of Jesus Christ once for all."

--> Hebrews 10:9-10

That, in itself, makes me think about my dream (among others) of becoming a wife and mother someday...seeing as how God allows me to dream (and dream big) for myself. I can honestly say that in no way could I willfully choose to sacrifice any child of mine (nor loved one) to redeem the burden of sin that humanity has brought upon itself. Upon ITSELF!! Not because God told us to, but because we were lured into it by temptation. Our own greedy and self-induced behaviors driven by the "feel good"-factor led Jesus to suffer FOR US! You see, my capacity of love for the human entity doesn't exceed the love I'd have for my own--my lowly levels of thought and emotion just don't compare to God's! But he forgave us! He gave his son to cover our iniquities...to spare us lives of eternal wreck and suffering! Why?! Because he loves us...how could I ever model that same love back to him, and as he commands, onto everyone else? We say it all the time, "love God, love others", but what does it TRULY mean to do so? Think about it...God is like a father. He loves us, cares for us, and wishes us happiness and good health. And at the same time, he disciplines when we do wrong, he guides us onto right paths, and if need be, slaps us back to reality...for what is worse? A slap from God, or from the enemy? We often wonder why bad things happen to good people...but similarly, what makes us think we're good people to begin with? Despite our wrong-doing, God chooses to love us no matter what! Like a father, he never neglects us, never leaves, never fails us! In the face of trials and tribulations, I am strengthened. In his own unique way, God throws me difficult obstacles to see that in all things, I am faithful to him just as he has faith in me. And when he rains blessings, I am just as thankful! For who am I to owe such thanksgiving to anyone but my creator?

"No longer will a man teach his neighbor, or a man his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' because they will all know me, from the least of them to the greatest. For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." --> Hebrews 8:11-12

Who are we to blame him for our own suffering? Who was I to complain about the discourse of my life and the uncertainty of paths I ought to take? Who was I to exclaim fear of rejection, confrontation, and persecution in His name? Who was I to doubt the workings of his hands and faithfulness? And who was I to think that this life,...MY life, was all about me?!

"I will praise you, O Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away and you have comforted me. Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song...With Joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation."

--> Isaiah12:1-3

I'm a speck! "A vapor in the wind"! A speck that's here on Earth for a fraction of a split-second in time, and gone the next! And yet, I've selfishly lived out the majority of my life working to fulfill my own satisfaction, my own happiness, my own well-being and not have taken any means AT ALL to thank he who saved me in the beginning. My God has given me life! He's not only gifted me with a life to live out so that I may play a role in in his great plans, but he's especially gifted me the unconditional love I cannot deny. Me? Me, God?! How am I worthy by any means to be looked upon as favorably as I look upon you? I am not. And yet, I can't even believe it sometimes how much I have been spared. His only desire for us is simply to live as our original purpose: to love, seek, and maintain a relationship with him all-the-while abstaining from self-service and want, and to trust in his provision.My God articulates great promises for my future. Promises I cannot call upon for myself, but those which will work nonetheless to fulfill the purpose he's called to come to past. And it is in me to pray cheerfully and dutifully so that I may serve in any way I can to progress the coming.

This is my first blog...a blog to serve not in vent, but to share the workings of God's presence in my life and To vocalize the truths I can no longer keep inside. May God bless you through it, and may you challenge to never settle for less...

"compare yourself to scripture. not to men who call themselves Christian
who compare themselves to men who call themselves Christian." --> Paul Washer