You see, I was raised in a very tight-knit Asian-style family. Making rice, leaving my slippers at the door, eating at the dinner table together and always looking-back to make sure the house was in order was the norm for me. I was always spending time with my family and often preferred to be with them instead of friends all throughout elementary, intermediate and high school.
They were my safety. My home. The place where things were as they always were and......right, as I had grown to figure.
There never was much room for a challenging. Otherwise...well...you just didn't go there.
So since college started, I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned how much I enjoy getting to know people who've experienced a different life culture than I have. I've built a pretty strong resentment for every day in high school where I opted-out for lunch because I wasn't hungry or just too cool to pay only a dollar. I've realized how much I fear dealing with conflict. And I've been able to gain an increasing desire to move towards seeking what God's heart is for me than what the world needs from me.
Those last 2 things are a biggie for me. Not only are they radical to process through and make change in...but they go against (and completely challenge) the nature of my belonging in my family.
If you aren't familiar with typical Asian culture, you don't know that problems are never thoroughly dealt with in families. Daily life struggles are hardly validated and emotional nurturing is scarce. Though my parents kept my sisters and I attached to them wherever we went, we were never really free to express ourselves. We always had to be on our best behavior (according to their "don't shame us" standard), strive for the best in school (whether or not you've actually learned anything) and get to college where you could work toward obtaining a good job that pays good money. Money that buys a big house, a nice car, and enough to keep me 'secure' and 'in control' for the rest of my life. No mistakes allowed.
Well......leave it to God to take my naturally norm-disrupting nature and impress on me a tangible, needed transformation! Though I had always grown up thinking against what my parents' traditions and values were, I had never took the steps to make for change. It really took a huuuuge revelation for me to understand that not only was the condition of my life at stake under this "law" I had grown to pattern my decisions and behavior after, but so were the lives of my sisters. And in effect, all of the relationships I hold dear to now and in the future.
I couldn't let my insecurities and fears dominate my very existing. I couldn't continue to resent my parents for the way they neglected me all these years. I couldn't ruin my friendship with my best friend, Sara, because I was too fearful to be honest with her. I couldn't let my sisters go on in their lives living in fear and staying at a safe distance from taking any kind of risk because they couldn't believe they could do it. Or even chase-away the opportunity of enjoying a union with a Godly man because I'm too prideful to let him know how thankful I am for him or express how frustrated and hurt I'd be for something he's done.
Because I didn't grow up being encouraged or talked with about my questions, struggles and conflict, I didn't want any more excuse to keep others from genuinely wanting healthy relationship with me. I needed to let God break bonds and create in me a strength to stand for who I am and where my identity rests in. Not in mom, or dad, or anyone else.....but in Jesus Christ.
I needed to be better at nurturing what's dearest to him --> community. I can't let my personal inhibitions do the complete opposite. Kill it.
Pray that as I seek God during this time...I would gain the boldness and wisdom to stand up, validate and value myself. That I would continue to surrender to God's movement in me and no longer fear. But that the only fear would come from the essential desire to serve Him.
In my next blog...look out for:
- Mary Lou
- Luke 10-ing in Waikiki with Sara, Ted and Matt this past Sunday (Oct. 18th)
- sharing with Andy today
- discipleship pod with Natalie, Julianne and Lindsay
No comments:
Post a Comment