naked.

To start, let me background you about the season that God has had me in currently. Over the course of the past several weeks, I've been experiencing a lot of attack and self-doubt about who I am and where my identity rests in.

You see, I was raised in a very tight-knit Asian-style family. Making rice, leaving my slippers at the door, eating at the dinner table together and always looking-back to make sure the house was in order was the norm for me. I was always spending time with my family and often preferred to be with them instead of friends all throughout elementary, intermediate and high school.

They were my safety. My home. The place where things were as they always were and......right, as I had grown to figure.

There never was much room for a challenging. Otherwise...well...you just didn't go there.

So since college started, I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned how much I enjoy getting to know people who've experienced a different life culture than I have. I've built a pretty strong resentment for every day in high school where I opted-out for lunch because I wasn't hungry or just too cool to pay only a dollar. I've realized how much I fear dealing with conflict. And I've been able to gain an increasing desire to move towards seeking what God's heart is for me than what the world needs from me.

Those last 2 things are a biggie for me. Not only are they radical to process through and make change in...but they go against (and completely challenge) the nature of my belonging in my family.

If you aren't familiar with typical Asian culture, you don't know that problems are never thoroughly dealt with in families. Daily life struggles are hardly validated and emotional nurturing is scarce. Though my parents kept my sisters and I attached to them wherever we went, we were never really free to express ourselves. We always had to be on our best behavior (according to their "don't shame us" standard), strive for the best in school (whether or not you've actually learned anything) and get to college where you could work toward obtaining a good job that pays good money. Money that buys a big house, a nice car, and enough to keep me 'secure' and 'in control' for the rest of my life. No mistakes allowed.

Well......leave it to God to take my naturally norm-disrupting nature and impress on me a tangible, needed transformation! Though I had always grown up thinking against what my parents' traditions and values were, I had never took the steps to make for change. It really took a huuuuge revelation for me to understand that not only was the condition of my life at stake under this "law" I had grown to pattern my decisions and behavior after, but so were the lives of my sisters. And in effect, all of the relationships I hold dear to now and in the future.

I couldn't let my insecurities and fears dominate my very existing. I couldn't continue to resent my parents for the way they neglected me all these years. I couldn't ruin my friendship with my best friend, Sara, because I was too fearful to be honest with her. I couldn't let my sisters go on in their lives living in fear and staying at a safe distance from taking any kind of risk because they couldn't believe they could do it. Or even chase-away the opportunity of enjoying a union with a Godly man because I'm too prideful to let him know how thankful I am for him or express how frustrated and hurt I'd be for something he's done.

Because I didn't grow up being encouraged or talked with about my questions, struggles and conflict, I didn't want any more excuse to keep others from genuinely wanting healthy relationship with me. I needed to let God break bonds and create in me a strength to stand for who I am and where my identity rests in. Not in mom, or dad, or anyone else.....but in Jesus Christ.

I needed to be better at nurturing what's dearest to him --> community. I can't let my personal inhibitions do the complete opposite. Kill it.

Pray that as I seek God during this time...I would gain the boldness and wisdom to stand up, validate and value myself. That I would continue to surrender to God's movement in me and no longer fear. But that the only fear would come from the essential desire to serve Him.

In my next blog...look out for:
- Mary Lou
- Luke 10-ing in Waikiki with Sara, Ted and Matt this past Sunday (Oct. 18th)
- sharing with Andy today
- discipleship pod with Natalie, Julianne and Lindsay

there's something bigger...

The following is the prophecy I received from a local, legit prophetess (Aunty Phyllis) in Kaneohe that was able to cast vision and pray over me several months back. I don't think I've ever really shared this with anyone, except among a few close friends, but I thought it might be appropriate to begin this new post with it.

The reason why I haven't blogged for the past 8 months was because I had found myself, in numerous times, in a pretty dazed and detached state in my relationship with God. I'll share more about that in another post, but I'd like to let you resonate with how the Lord encouraged me that day :)

I'm hoping it will give you a glimpse of the things I nurture after, struggle with, and desire to see unfold...

Your life has been very fruitful. The Lord would encourage you today that you’re like that little sparrow on the ground. And the bible says His eye is on the sparrow. And I know He watches over me.

You will go and you will watch over other little sparrows and other little birds with broken wings, broken legs, broken things. I’ve called you to be a peacemaker and a lover of souls; of the souls of men and women. You will go in and out of prisons, you will go in and out of nursing homes. You will go into places where the mud is so thick it sticks to your feet and you’ll feel like you’re sinking in times like you are in sinking sand. But I’ll always be there for you to lift you up.

Today I am lifting your family up and out of the sinking sands. And I’m placing your feet on the rock Christ, Jesus, my son, The Lord is saying. You need not worry, you need not fear for I’ll always be oh so near to you and dear to you. Look, look, I pulled you up out of those sinking sands and you stand so strong on the rock.

And others can come and lean on you like a tree that’s planted beside the still waters. You’re strong. Your limbs are strong. You’re gonna produce lovely fruit. Be always green. Be always there for other people to come and lean on; find shelter and shade. And the little birds will come and sit on your branches and sing. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.

I’m gonna do a great work through you. But it will not be you, you can’t take the credit. It’ll be the spirit of the Lord speaking through you and singing through you and making melody through you. Go out into all the world and make melody in your heart. Make melody apart even when your heart is broken.

“In my heart there rings a melody, there rings a melody, of heaven’s harmony. In my heart there rings a melody, there rings a melody of looove. I have a song that Jesus gave me. It was sent from heaven above. There never was a sweeter melody, than the melody of looove. In my heart there rings a melody, there rings a melody of heaven’s harmony. In my heart there rings a melody, there rings a melody of looove”.

Take that melody and go sing it to the world. Take my message set the captives free. Bind up the wounds. Heal the broken hearted. Let me heal through your hands, your heart, your mouth, your nose, your eyes. Let me use you. Let me manifest myself through you.

I am your Lord. I am pleased with you. Quit finding fault with yourself. You’re not all that bad. Besides that you’re all forgiven. Don’t let the enemy throw up the muck and the mire and to see that you’re riding in on your little tire, you’re little lifesaver/inner-tube,…don’t let the enemy and that muck and that mire and debris come up and try to sweep over you. Just go to the other place and get a wave come; a nice frothy white wave come and just sweep over you and clean all that stuff off. And then go about your business again.

Yes, tell him! I was once lost at sea. But Jesus came with love, and love lifted me, love lifted me, when nothing else could help, love lifted me out of that sea. And love lifted me. Love lifted me when nothing else could help. Love lifted meee. I was sinking deep in sin far from the peaceful shore, very deeply stained within, sinking to rise no more. But the master of the sea heard my despairing cry, from the waters lifted me, now see am I. Love lifted meee. Love lifted meee when, nothing, else could help, love lifted meee. Love lifted me. Yes, love lifted meee when nothing else could help, love lifted Skyyy. Amen. A-women.

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